Living an Ordinary Relationship

Why do i have to live this ordinary relationship ? Ordinary Relationship ? Hmmm, is it precise  conclusion to my relationship with my fiancee ? It sounds like an ambiguous among a normal or common relationship and  'just a relationship'. In my case, i prefer the 1st version representing our relationship as i avoid the negative side effect from the 2nd version.

Yes, i'm living the ordinary relationship with my fiancee. It's only a common commitment going commonly as what common people living on. It's going naturally without too many expectations, just letting day by day flowing like water. It's boring sometimes and makes me wonder why do i have to live this ordinary relationship, as many times i'm questioning my self about the goal we are heading for. The successful of a relationship among two person determined by both side of person within. I don't mind at all to nurture what we have now, devote all my heart and soul for the man i loved. But again, i can not clap on one hand. I need  the same attitude vice versa. And i'm still questioning in that point.

I don't really wish to have a relation only for security and dependency as a proof to world that i'm not alone. Nope, that will only stimulating both side to an unhealthy relationship. I need what we feel as an honest emotion to share and motivating us to be cooperative to each other in developing one perspective to reach the same goal. But sometimes, it's too much too ask.

Time is passing us by, and i hope time will provide sustainability for us to evolving this feeling fonder. But the fact is, time we are passing through is only about occupying each other feeling devoid of any enhances. It's seems to be a habitual pattern we keep on living, baffling me sometimes. Often i try to make justification to  evading my self from being devastated. Maybe the distance cause us unsuccessful to converse to one another feeling. The distance between Indonesia-Malaysia, create a lack of communication.

If proximity is the main reason for people to congregate, obviously we will never be sufficient  to each other.  But if we can resuscitate on the communication technology to bridge over the distance, would the proximity be the major issue ? I don't think so. Or if social status between us is the iceberg to break, why don't we use our chisel to break it ? Unfortunately, i dwell this fact of life, not the 'if' of life. And the fact i'm living in, there's something morbid among us that we still don't know how to solve and make it normal. Or might be i'm only demanding more than what i deserve.

I'm not flawless to him, and he's not flawless to me either. No matter how flawless we are to each other, i found a gem in him. And i'm still here, nurturing what God has bestowed over me. Til the day the gem has to drift away from my hand, or it will be the only mine. Only time will tell.

Gayus, An Ordinary People In an Extra Ordinary Trending Topic

Gayus Halomoan Tambunan, yup...he's the ordinary man in the extra ordinary trending topic in Indonesia since october 2009. Errrrgggggghhhhhh, why do i have to review about something that has already a trending topic ? Well, Gayus is news maker in a negative way. Who doesn't interested to talk about him in variety perspective ?

Gayus Halomoan Tambunan is only an ordinary man. He worked as a IIIA grade in Directorate General of Taxation in his 31 years age. Very ordinary. He turned to be the extra ordinary after he found out has 28 billion rupiah in his bank account. It's very suspicious as as a IIIA grade taxation officer, his average annual basic income is 24 million rupiah. Plus remuneration, will not more than 150 million rupiah.

We can assume he's the richest officer in his grade with that large number of sum in his account. Ever since the corruption assumption, he became a 'trending topic', ( in connotative ) in Indonesia. His popularity like a celebrity. And Gayus is a real news maker when he escaped to Singapore before the police 'pick him back' to Indonesia. The funny thing is, even he has already locked up, he still can freely went out from the mobile brigade prison to travel to Bali, Malaysia, Singapore and Macau using a 'pseudo passport'. It's a great salutation in negative way for him and some person who contribute to make his 'traveling around the world in prison' succeed. Bravo and salute for them !!!

On January 19, 2011 he's convicted guilty as a corrupter but his sentence only for 7 years. It's not representing the justice for all Indonesian people i think. It's  not fair for us. Millions of Indonesian People dying in poverty, while in the other hand a man named Gayus playing the law using the stealth money that he stole from us. An ironic, he uses our money to bribe and rules the law, and no one willing to behave on behalf of Indonesian people to stop this hoaxes over our law. It's not about capability on halting the fooling over the law, it's about intention to do not surrender on money slavery. Remember, the money he use to snickering our law, is Indonesian people money. Please...please....please, don't be a slave to the money.

If a IIIA grade taxation officer like Gayus, adequately capable to make a 'Great Laughing the Law Show'., how about the higher grade functionary above him ? I don't think he's the single fighter either. He is IIIA grade officer who can not make a decree without approval and signature from the functionary above him.  The Gayus show imply another concealed greater show that still no one has a gut to reveal.

If an ordinary Gayus can be a King rules the law, i'm afraid it can be negative influence to the young Indonesian generation. Who knows, in the next period, become a corrupter can be an aspiration to pursue. As, corrupter can be the king that rules and play the law as they like. And a corrupter no more a shameful and pathetic immoral behavior in front of the eyes of our moral its self. How pathetic. Where does this country go after this period of a 'pseudo generation' ???

Dream, Disappointment, and Another New Dream

When i was a little girl, i used to dream to be a Cinderella. The fairy tales i red, automatically created a tiny world of my own. The untouchable world of mine. I was the queen in my own little kingdom. I was the conqueror in my dream palace.

My childhood was not a better place to grew. It's an exaggeration if i describe it was an overwhelmed. No, it wasn't. I just sometimes hope if i was in a better place. So, dreamt of a Cinderella was a renegade of the reality that the little me can't bear. Dream was like a crutch sustain my feet stand when it paralyze. It wasn't easy for the gullible little me to perceive the fact of this is the real world, the cruel world.

By the time passing me by, the dreams fade away as my eyes and heart realize it's unattainable. Then comes my turn to face the reality, disappointment by disappointment stopping me by to leave the bruises in my heart. But whose to blame ? I develop a dream that's almost impossible to  seize. Broken heart that caused by disappointment is inevitable as i made my self the seed of that pain by building an unattainable dreams. I strive to overcome the pain and not letting my self lurk behind disappointments that will only halt me from keep going the life. I have to force my self to compromise the fact of jilted world that reluctantly revolving around me.

I often questioning why do i have to always disappointed. What did i done wrong ? Then i console my self maybe there are the underlying reason of occurrence. I grew up amongst disappointments, and without i notice it rouse up a self defense to salvage from the pain. At least, that self defense can kindle up my spirit to not subdue to misery and find my own private equanimity.

Everyone says, people has to dream. At least, dream can be a goal to pursue. I'm recently too afraid to confide in dreams, too scare of facing another disappointment. But, until when should i dwell this fear ??? As long as dream still free to have, nothing to lose to have one. What i need is refurbish my perspective of dream and turn it to the tool to equip me seizing the merit goal of life, and not making dreams as a comfort shoulder to confide all my life.

Dream has brought me a lot of disappointments. But disappointments has brought me to the present me. And the present me is more realistic now to have a dream in a different perspective.

A Cup of Jasmine Tea

The Rain outside still keep on pouring when i open my computer and start blogging. A cup of hot jasmine tea accompanying me to stir my brain in seeking for what i want the most to write. I feel like ran out the idea due to my bad mood recently. I don't know what to write. What i want to do the most is only starting to nagging, not blogging. Hahahaha.

I have a few blogs in Indonesian Language, usually i continuously post in my blogs. But today i can't find even a tiny little idea to write. Some negatives thoughts halt my brain to be more creative. Even A Cup of Jasmine Tea can't get rid this bad mood away. So i decided to write something obscure here, only to indulge where ever this emotion commands my fingers go. Who knows, this unimportant writing will unnoticed divulging what's really going on inside. 

I know what makes me drown in this bad mood. It's obviously because of my Fiancee . It's never been easy to committed in a long distance relationship. I'm here in a small isolated village in a corner of Indonesia, where in the same time he's there in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Sometimes i wonder how we can go this far in this elusive relationship. Distance, physically, is not solely a problem. But distance, emotionally, could be a major problem.

I definitely not willing to be devoured alive by jealousy. But for almost 3 weeks my fiancee didn't text me. I can entertain my self that his job as marketing manager, obliges him to live a torrid working days. And even if i initiative reach him first, i'm afraid he's in business trip abroad. Gosh, at least  he can text me where ever he is now. Place and distance could not be blamed, as we can count on technology to bridge over a communication.

Some people says, absence often does makes the heart grow fonder. I admit that is true. At least, from my side. Day by day, absence of him, makes my heart grow fonder. But how about his side, does he feel like i feel ? Hmmmm, Let the time eventually give me the answer of what i'm wondering about.

Nobody is flawless. Flaws in both side of us, not an anomaly thing to perceive. In contrary, we can complete each other minus. But something disturbing my consciousness, level in society, distinguish us from one another. I'm only me, who doesn't have anything to be proud of but pride its self. Will he stand until the end and compromise diversities ?

I don't know what i'm heading for. Again i have to let the time eventually proves what has not been proved. One thing that i'm sure, love will provide adequate sustainability to the heart to sufficient its self.